Feed Young Hollywood

Thanks for the Memories

2006-09-10T21:20:00.000-07:00

Okay kiddies, you may need to sit down for this one.

After careful consideration, we here at feedyounghollywood have decided to call it quits.

Not because hollywood has been fed, but mostly because with the new school year getting started and a waning level of interest, we decided that it wasn't worth the time to keep up the blog.

We want to thank all of our loyal readers for coming back every day and leaving witty comments for all to share. We hope that you enjoyed our (occasionally really unecissarily mean and uncalled for) posts and got a chuckle or two out of them. So till we meet again dear readers, happy gossiping and happy blogging!

And most importantly, keep sending nicole richie cheeseburger-filled thoughts. Perhaps one day she will eventally eat one. Or at least lick the bun.

Peace!

-gossipgirl

BEHOLD THE SPAWN OF TOMKAT

2006-09-06T08:10:00.000-07:00

No, I don't beleive it either. But they sure did buy themselves a cute baby.

Get off that high horse cowboy

2006-09-05T10:28:00.000-07:00

I like John Mayer's music. It's a little whiny, it's a little pop, its a little rock, it's a little easy listening. I wouldn't run out and buy the c.d., but i like hearing him on the radio. That said, he is a huge music snob. He "speaks out" and by speaks out, i mean gets really high and goes to interviews, about the music industry and how fake it is and how "uncool ppl" run it and they need to steal the coolness from the cool people and thats all how it runs man. I mean, they call them fingers but i never see them fing. Remember the time I dropped my keys and you thought the phone was ringing. Like that.
Now anyone who speaks out against "fakeness" and especially the "fake music industry" would never go NEAR Jessica Simpson rite? Well, no. He's dating her. Proving once and for all he is full of crap. Because Jessica's body isn't a wonderland, its full of semen from those guys that make Jackass.

Bloggers can be dumb

2006-09-05T10:22:00.000-07:00

So pictures of Carmen Electra in this dress are being circulated around the internet and shes being called "ugly" and "frumpy"
...
So men who probably look like Chewbacca's nephew are calling her ugly because shes not covered head to toe in makeup and not dressed like a skank. I'm not a huge Carmen Electra fan (how can i be? she doesn't really DO anything) but I would like to take a minute to stand up and say "MEN HAVE FUCKING UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS. LEAVE THE BITCH ALONE AND GET A BACKWAX"
That is all.

Walk like a buuug

2006-09-05T09:53:00.000-07:00

Talk like a buuuug
Walk like a buuug my starrrleet.
Do they really like these glasses or are they just following the trend? who decided this was a good trend? Can we kill them now? No one wants to fuck a woman who looks like she's constantly auditioning for a part in "The Fly"

Another exuse to put up a johnny depp pic

2006-09-05T09:48:00.000-07:00


This person is an idiot. We obviously love johnny depp and they obviously did not read on word we wrote.

Anonymous said...: don't knock Depp...
i don't care what he reveals or doesn't reveal..he's a panty creamer ...always!!
he's settled and seem to enjoy his family life..all adds to his HOTNESS! Let him be...

A heartfelt moment from a sarcastic bitch

2006-09-03T08:26:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, my plans for the holiday weekend were ruined so I figured some of you were stuck at home as well. I just wanted to say thanks for reading. We especially love some of the crazy ass comments we have been getting, you guys are hilarious! So have a great labor day and think of Samuel Gompers and Euguene V. Debs as you are getting some labor day weekend ass.

Class All The Way!

2006-09-01T14:45:00.001-07:00

Look! Rich people ARE better than us. Yes, I believe that now. Money is all you need to have perfect manners, breeding and looks. I don't know about you guys, but i love having men squeeze my ass in public. Yeah my man can do that, but so can a stranger, garbage men, police men, firemen (they are new yorks heroes right?! cmon, give it a squeeze!) Everyone get in line!

I have to admit, dear feedyounghollywood readers, I had my doubts about our lil' LL ever finding Mr. Right and settling down. Because honestly, most of the time coke whores who proclaim their promiscuity in Vanity Fair articles don't end up with 2.3 kids in the suburbs at the tender age of 20, but that appears to be the route that Linds and her Pink Taco man are taking. Rumor has it that after dating for a whopping 30 days, Harry decided that Lindsay was the woman of his taco dreams and popped the question. Gee, I hope he's not just using Lindsay to promote his pink tacos. Because that would be absolutely atrocious and I would be devastated to find out that someone was playin her ass. Well, after I got off the floor from my fit of laughter, that is.

This Is How Deep John Mayer Can Shove It

2006-09-01T14:38:00.000-07:00

In case anyone out there was wondering about his schlong. Oh wait, I have an idea. Hey Jess, maybe you could squeeze a little harder! And then we'll never have to hear about you again. And if you're dead, than Nick Lachey goes away as well, and I won't have to listen to him whine anymore about what's left of him. Now all we need is a plan to get rid of Ashlee, and after she's gone, I'm pretty sure eliminating world hunger and getting rid of land mines in third world countries will alllllll fall into place. Because no Simpson sisters makes the world a happier place, filled with rainbows and sunshine and 99 cent Big Gulps at 7 Eleven.

A Nice Day for a White....

2006-09-01T14:20:00.000-07:00

Facial.
Yeah, I said it. Where to start, where to start...ok at the top. Her hair looks like it came out of theres something about mary. Although in this case, it probably came out of a Greek shipping heir. For those who don't get the movie reference, her hair look like it has cum in it. and by cum i mean semen. and by semen i mean there are tons of greek shipping heirs swimming around in her hair. Onto the gloves. What the fuck? really? Quarter gloves with a bow? Why? I loved the 80's but some things should stay in the past...
Her skirt looks like it was ripped and her slip is showing. the unfortunate combination of the length of the skirt and the ankle boots make her calves look like actual baby cows. She might as well have just taped cow fat to her legs and called it a day. Now we do apologize for all this. We know that 2 posts in one day about Skankerella is a bit much for anyone to swallow. But can you blame us? When something that looks like this decides that it also wants to SING, there is a certain amount of blogspace that needs to be dedicated to ripping her to shreds. Is this necessary? Well, yes, for as Willy Loman says in "Death of A Salesman" : Attention must be paid. Congratulations whore, here's your fucking attention. Now please pull your lip over your head and swallow. Not spit.

I thought whores liked to flop

2006-09-01T14:14:00.000-07:00

But currently Paris isn't enjoying it that much. No one bought her new CD and that makes me hopeful for the future of America. BUt really what else can we say about her? Skankity skank skank skank, ho-itty ho ho ho. Yeeah. We all got it. We here at feedyounghollywood headquarters are hoping that this is the beginning of the end for Ms. Hilton...end as in no longer popular. Not end as in die...because that would be mean...and we arent mean.
cough::diewalkingstddie:cough cough

FATASS ALERT: THIS JUST IN

2006-08-31T12:53:00.000-07:00

We here at feedyounghollywood have just been informed that Kirstie Alley has exceed her weight loss goal of 60 pounds and is now at the 75 pound mark. Let's hope she looses so much weight that her annoying, preachy ass completely disapears. Kirstie is the female Tom Cruise but without the star power. I think she's best known for her oscar winning role in the unforgettable film, "It takes two" starring the Olsen Twins. Keep losing Kirstie, and remember even if you have enough plastic surgery to make you pretty on the outside, you will never be pretty on the inside.

I ain't no fuckin' fat girrrrl

2006-08-31T11:13:00.000-07:00

We all know Gwen Stefani has body image problems. She’s admitted it on numerous occasions, she thinks shes a fat cow and she always will. But bitch looks good with her baby weight. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her with boobs before. Look they actually stick out from her body instead of being concave! Stars always starve themselves to lose baby weight that looks good on them and it's a mistake. Why shock your body or force it to go against nature? So don’t be so quick to get back on that track fat girl. We like you better this way.

Some sign suggestions for Jessica

2006-08-31T10:20:00.000-07:00

"I'm functionally retarded" * I apologize to the mentally handicapped for associating Jessica Simpson with them*
"I is no speaked english much good"
"Where's the buffalo?"
"Why do I pose like a stupid cunt?"

I don't wanna listen to you anymore

2006-08-31T08:51:00.000-07:00

Okay Nick, we got it. Jessica is a big whore and we should feel sorry for you, even though as soon as she divorced you, you fucked every whore with big tits you could find. THere is no commandment that says, "Lo, shall the stupid bitch you married with your eyes WIDE open as to her character, cheat on you, you shalt have free range of the land to titty fuck and anally violate as many fine-ass bitches as possible and the realm shalt feel your pain and scorn former said bitch."
No, god never said that. So shut the fuck up. I don't feel bad for you and no one should. You married Jessica so you could fuck her and that was the only way since she promised her creepy ass dad that she would be a virgin until marriage.
I'm not taking jessica's side, I hate her too. But i dont want to listen to Nick sing about what a bitch she was. Maybe he could write a song about all the girls he's fucked since they broke up, he could call it, "Why I have so many STD's my dick fell off, but I can still finger fuck you if you will take what's left of me"

Johnny Depp's SECRET DOUBLE LIFE

2006-08-30T13:55:00.000-07:00

I love Johnny Depp. I do. I love learning new things about him and seeing new pictures of him because seeing a human that beautiful restores my faith in humanity on days when I hear about customers taking dumps in store dressing rooms or when I hear anything that comes out of George Bush's mouth. And lately it seems that there have been a plethora of stories claiming to have an insight into the secret life that Johnny leads. One that is hidden from all, one that contains god knows what. And in order to find out what Johnny does in his secret life, you have to buy that copy of In Touch or Star that you're holding. Or at least hang out by the rack a few more minutes and read the article without paying for the magazine.

However, I am always disappointed. I don't know, maybe all the magazines had a slow week or something and got together and decided to reveal Johnny's life, but I didn't really find his secrets all that crazy. Basically, all the articles went something like this: Johnny Depp doesn't live in Hollywood, like most movie stars. He lives...in FRANCE. In a SMALL TOWN. He has CHILDREN. They have NAMES. And he and their mother AREN'T MARRIED. But they are HAPPY. The end.

I don't know about you, but I already knew all that. And honestly, I don't find any of that all that interesting. Or secret. And there are more important things in life to rant about than Star magazine's Johnny Depp filler articles. So maybe this was just an excuse to post a picture of Johnny Depp. Have a nice day all!

Jon Voight Thinks This Is His Granddaughter:

2006-08-30T08:30:00.000-07:00

I know Angelina adopts children more often that most people buy shoes. I can understand why keeping track of them can be confusing. And I know each one of her children has its origins in a different part of the globe. So that's also confusing.

So Papa Angelina wants so make nice with the mother of Brad Pitt's babies. Now he has publicly begged her to get help for her mental problems on Access Hollywood in the past, so I can understand why Mr. Voight might be on Angelina's shitlist. But in an effort to reach out to his daughter, he decided to send Maddox a birthday greeting while walking the red carpet for the BAFTA awards (That would be the crappy British equivalent of the oscars. At the BAFTA's all celebrity gift baskets come with complimentary tubes of crest and dental floss). And he did okay with that. He got Mad's age right and everything. However, he fucked up with Zahara, sending his love to Shakira instead. Although to Papa Angelina's credit, he did realize that he might be mistaken, and asked the reporter who was interviewing him if he kid's name was Shakira or Shahira, to which the reporter responded.......come on, all together now...................ZAHARA. So papa Voight tried again, sent his love to Maddox, took back his love for the 29-year-old Colombian songstress and resent it to the 1 1/2 year old Ethiopian baby, and then after pausing again (to either avoid another mistake or perhaps he really did need a moment to think of his biological granddaughter's name) sent his love to Shiloh Nouvel.

If I were those kids, especially, Z, I wouldn't want grandpa's love. I'd say fuck you grandpa, if you can't tell the difference between me and a latin singer 27 years older than I am then you can keep your goddamn kisses and hugs. Just keep those $20 bills in the birthday cards comin'

Jumped the cow

2006-08-29T11:13:00.000-07:00

It is painful for me to write this post. Come at me with Simpsons quotes and I can go for hours, matching you up. give me one c'mon. Well if it isnt my good friend, Mr. McGreg with a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg. We're here, we're queer, we don't want anymore bears. Lou and his frittatas. Quotes that NO ONE ELSE gives a shit about.
The show won an emmy for best animated show, that it didn't deserve, the show sucks now. It isnt fit to be watched by prisoners on death row. The last straw for me was the homoerotic pedophillic moment between Milhouse and Homer, where they kissed and Milhouse claims it was his first kiss.
Now one, not true. His first kiss was Samantha Stanky. When the fans know more about the show than the writers, its time to put it to bed. But it is too late for the simpsons, the show should have ended three or four years ago.
So move over Simpsons, bow out now and let family guy have its time in the sun.

A big, fat, menopausal joke

2006-08-29T00:19:00.000-07:00

Meredith Viera has said that the View, “has kind of become a big joke.”

I will give you all a minute to ponder this.... Oook, now that you’re done.

Could this woman be serious? Since when has the view NOT been a joke? Between Barbara Walter’s menopausal blabber, Star Jones being a fat money grubbing bitch, and all those other bitches who whine in front of a camera in high pitched voices for no other reason than to assert their own importance and vanity, since when has this show not been a joke? Who watches that crap? And why haven’t we all gotten together to drag them into the street and force them to roll in horse shit?

"G" As in Gee, We're Screwed!

2006-08-28T10:29:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be honest. I'm going to be so honest right now that my nose is actually going to grow inward. Imma put honesty points in the bank with this one.

When operating a website whose function is to make fun of celebrities, there are no nights more exciting than those of the Oscars and Emmys. And, unless you're living in a tin can (and even then you should know, tin cans can get reception too), you know that last night was the Emmy Awards . Which means that today's posts should contain a plethora of pictures and funny little holy-shit-celebrity xyz is-a-fucking-whore/crazy person/wearing something heinous/sore loser/alcoholic/dating someone we didn't know about stories for all.

Unfortunately, the feedyounghollywood team was preoccuppied last night, and neither one of us watched the awards, nor has any idea of the crazy shit that went down....yet. Personally, I was busy doing the laundry and cooking for my sister's children. I was also volunteering at a local old folks home, donating money to the Christian Children's Fund and planting trees in my neighborhood. There were no alcohol or drug fueled binges last night. No one ripped phones out of the wall or gave the dog pot. None of that happened. Vicious lies spread by my blogger enemies hell-bent on destroying my credibility.

So in a nut shell, the emmy stuff is coming (unless I decided that there is nothing of interest to discuss) in the next few days, so sit tight kiddies. Sit tight. And don't give your dog pot. Or attempt to dry your nephew's hamster in the microwave. Neither is a good idea.

Billionaires Don't Need To Give Sexual Favors

2006-08-28T09:02:00.000-07:00

So Brandon Davis got out of rehab (and then showed up plastered at a party like 60 seconds later, but whatever) and now his parents are "moving" so he needs to live with Paris Hilton. Because whenever I get out or rehab and my family decides to pick up and move, Paris is the first person that I call too. But supposedly he's not just "living" with her. They are hooking up, but Paris wants to keep is "hush-hush." Whether she wants it hush-hush because fucking Brandon Davis is like fucking a drunk ball of grease and herpes, or because she doesn't want to break her self-imposed vow of celibacy remains unclear.

I don't understand something, so maybe you all can help me out here. If you're a bazillionaire oil heir (oooooo a rhyme!), then why would you need to resort to giving Paris Hilton sexual favors for a place to live? Couldn't you just stay in a hotel, or buy a hotel or something? I don't get it. But I don't get a lot of things. I'm still trying to understand why Kate Hudson would throw away her marriage for a ride on the butterscotch stallion. Fucking celebrities man, they just keep gettin' wackier!

Twas The Night Before Christmas...

2006-08-28T08:48:00.000-07:00

I'm superexcited about this one. I wake up some mornings, smell my breath and sometimes my pits, and I say to myself: Holy shit, I smell bad. I smell badder than bad. I wish I could smell better. I wish I could smell like someone who is well-rested, smart and beautiful. I wish I could smell.......like Lindsay Lohan!

Yes kiddies, Christmas is coming early this year. Lindsay Lohan is coming out with her own perfume!

I know when I put on a scent, I like the name of it, and any person associated with it, to have positive associations. And I think a Lindsay Lohan scent really has that advantage. Those positive associations are an absolute key to market success. I've always wanted to be just like a bratty coked-out fake breasted unintelligent vindictive catty whorish uncaring train wreck in progress hollywood starlet. And now at least I can smell like one. Merry Christmas Tiny Tim!

Candy's Not So Sweet

2006-08-25T13:52:00.000-07:00

Don't you love the title of this post? Aren't I talented? Let's take a minute and appreciate the sheer cleverness of what I came up with. Go ahead. Take your minute. I'll wait.

.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......
......
.....
....
...
..
.

OK, so Aaron Spelling is dead as a doornail now, and I think we all know that so I assume I don't have to do into details. Now this Sunday is the Emmy's which means that there's gonna be a big hoopla memorial rest in peace we'll never forget you dedication thingamajig, orchestrated partially by the late wife, Candy Spelling. However, Aaron's little princess, daughter Tori, has not been invited to the ceremony where Hollywood will say it's public goodbye to the famous producer. Because apparently mama Candy has refused to include daughter Tori in the festvities. It also has been reported that Tori has barely been invited to any family functions since Aaron's passing.

You know, if it wasn't for the strong ressemblance between Candy and Tori (except for that horrible nose. Tori definitely got that schnoz from daddy dearest) I'd assume that Candy was the wicked step mother who was trying to cut off her late husband's daughter because the rich guy loved the little darling more than he loved his sweet Candy. The next thing we'll hear is that Tori Spelling was found living in the woods with seven short men who work in gem mines for a living. Then Candy will show up dressed like Elizabeth Taylor and try to convince Tori to eat a poisoned apple. Wait........I think I'm getting confused. For this to be true Candy would have to be the stepmother, which isn't the case. And Tori would have to be a sweet, goodnatured person, which also isn't the case.

Move Over Suri & Shiloh

2006-08-25T11:08:00.000-07:00

If we believe the tabloids, then J. Lo has been pregnant for the last.........oh, 48 months or so? Every time she sucks down a burrito or the wind makes her clothes look a little loose the magazines are pouncing like hyenas, wondering when the spawn of superbitch and the heroin addict will grace us all with its presence. But MAYBE, just maybe, she might maybe actually really possibly be preggers for real this time.

Jesse McCartney (who I think is a singer, because he was doing an interview with a radio station, but I'm not really sure on that because I'm not in the 7th grade) was doing an interview with Atlanta's Star 94 radio station, and when asked why J. Lo pulled out of her new movie Dallas, the supersmart teen crooner replied: "She didn't get fired. She's pregnant."As soon as he realized what he said, the 19-year-old turned to his personal assistant and asked: "Was I not supposed to say anything?"

Jesse McCartney is obviously retarded. If in fact the former bitchier half of the debacle that was the first Bennifer is carrying the fruit of Marc Anthony's loins in her J. Womb, then she obviously didn't want the world to know yet because she DIDN'T ANNOUNCE ANYTHING. Typically when big celebrities et knocked up, they prefer that the news isn't released via the loose mouth of a witless Teen Beat coverboy.

But forgeting Jesse McCartney for a moment here, I really hope she's not pregnant, because even without knowing the "real" Jennifer from a hole in my Uncle Seymour's shorts, I'm still like 99.998% sure that she's be a worse mother than Courtney Love. She'd probably leave the thing with 37 different non-english speaking nannies every other minute when she needed to do something more important, like look at her face in the mirror. Or her ass. Or if she needed to go shopping for more clothes. Or if she needed to brush her hair. Or maybe she's one of those pretentious Hollywood moms who despite their 22 hour workdays think they can get by without having someone actually watching their child. In that case she'll probably come back from trips to Fred Segal to find the kid munching on crayons, covered in Elmer's glue and trying to figure out how to shoot "daddy's special medicine" into its vains.

Steven Seagal Is A Better Actor Than Russell Crowe

2006-08-25T10:56:00.000-07:00

As a brief sidenote, you know what the ironic thing here is? I hate Russell Crowe with a passion and despise the fact that the title of this post pays him a compliment, but I needed to pull a decent actor's name out of my ass, and his was the first name that came to mind. So you might be good Russell, but you're still an asshole who throws phones at hotel employees for no reason. Okay. I feel better and we can continue now.

Next to Jean-Claude Van Damme, Steven Seagal has gotta be my favorite washed up action star. My pal Steven recently told Guitar World Acoustic magazine the following lie:"Kevin Bacon, Keanu Reeves, Russell Crowe, Kevin Costner - they're not even in my universe." You can't find another actor who can play guitar as good as me. It's the truth."

Now I don't know shit about Steven Seagal's guitar playing abilities, and I won't pretend to, mostly because I honestly don't care. The part of this statement that I have qualms with is where he labels himself an actor. THAT, my dear readers, is bigger than the recent Paris Hilton I've-only-rode-two-penises fib that she tried to load off on us. I mean, have you seen Under Siege? Or worse, Under Siege 2? Ooooooo, or how about the academy snubbed Today You Die, where he saves the children's hospital with the stolen money and hugs the sick little blonde orphan girl before the credits roll at the end? I went to the zoo last week. I saw chimps there with more acting talent than Steven Seagal has. I also saw some naked mole rats who could also probably give Steven a run for his money.....does he even have any money left? Maybe we should all buy his CD and help him out? I wish I could, but I've already spent my monthly music allowance on copies of Paris Hilton's new CD for all of my friends and family. Goddamn the luck.

Broken Tooth?!? Fabulous!

2006-08-25T09:00:00.000-07:00

Jessica Alba lost a tooth while shooting sex scenes for her new movie, a romantic comedy called Good Luck Chuck, because the romp with Dane Cook was so violent. Alba told TV show Extra: "We shot all our love scenes in one day and I actually lost a tooth. I chipped a tooth as well so I need to get that fixed. Isn't that disgusting?" We were smashing our faces together and it just happened. It's not the slowest, most romantic of love scenes. Dane's a wild one."

Now the response of most people to this would be so what? She's so fucking hot that she doesn't need teeth. We'll still fuck her! However, we here at feedyounghollywood have a different take on things. We know what's going on in Jessica's head right now. She thinks this sore mouth and loss of tooth thing is a huge blessing in disguise. Why so, you might ask? The answer is simple my dear readers. Now she has a real physical excuse not to eat.

Nice try Jessica, but you can still suck down calories through a straw. Just send me your address, and I'd be more than happy to send you a supply of milkshakes and Gerber baby food to keep you nourished until your mouth feels better again.

Brody Loves Bones

2006-08-24T10:39:00.000-07:00

Apparently Nicole Richie and Brody Jenner are dating. And this is the real thing, because there is absolutely no way that this is just a PR stunt. I mean, it's not like either one of them are C-list celebrities who would spin plates on their heads dressed like Ronald McDonald in the middle of the 5 Freeway during rus hour if it would guarantee them covers on US Weekly and In Touch. They are both so artistically gifted with blosomming careers based on pure natural talent. Neither of them would need a PR stunt to keep them in the news.

Let me get one thing off my chest here. I really don't know who Brody Jenner is. All I know about him is that he used to date Kristin Cavallari. And honestly, I really don't know why she's famous either.What's with all these fucking pretty people who are famous for being famous? I think they both came from reality shows originally. But you know what? I don't care enough to research it. It just doesn't matter.

Anyway, the point here is that I don't mind seeing pictures of Brody Jenner because he's hot, in a generic I-look-like-everyone-else-in-Hollywood kind of way. But if we see more pictures of him, then we'll have to see more pictures of Bones Richie, and that will make me lose my appetite. I hope they'll break up soon and he'll start dating someone hot who doesn't actually irritate me.

Ode to My Hero

2006-08-24T10:26:00.000-07:00

It seems to be a bit of a slow day in the celebrity gossip world. I could write more on Paris Hilton being a 'tard, on Tom Cruise being an alien, or on how Nicole Richie needs to eat more. But I've dedicated enough space to those dumbass raving lunatics, so I thought I'd dedicate some blogspace to a smartass raving lunatic to whom we all must show the utmost respect and admiration.

Don't know who I'm talking about? I'll give you a clue. Well, I'll give you a few clues. It'll be like a riddle. Omigood, this is gonna be so much fun! (Just pretend that you can't already see the picture at the bottom and play along)

He's a born and bred New Englander

He's got a sharp wit and a vibrant sense of humor

He's short and has a head shaped like a football

He loves having his ass wiped and is hell-bent on matricide and world domination

Yes, I am indeed writing an ode to none other than Stewie Griffin. He might be a mere cartoon character, but he's more deserving of blogspace than most of those little food-starved skanks who suck up magazine space. Shut up. It was a slow news day.

Attention All! Girls Have Breasts!

2006-08-24T10:03:00.000-07:00

I love E! And if you read this blog, then I'm guessing that you love E! too. It's an entire station dedicated 24/7 to the sort of thing that this blog only covers in 4 posts a day. E! ia fabulous, trashy and scintillatingly addictive.

One of the highlights of the network is of course the True Hollywood Story. We love the hook-ups, the break-ups, the booze, the drugs, the illigitimate babies, the groupies, the bankruptcy claims, the money theft, the sex parties, the salkers, the storming off sets, the botched plastic surgeries, the big marriages, the bigger divorces, the police involvement, the lies, the cheating, the cat fights, and the list goes on. Which is why I was somewhat dissapointed with the latest installment of the True Hollywood Story series: Soleil Moon Frye.

I didn't know much about the real life story of Punky Brewster, so I sat down and watched it. I figured there would be some good drug stuff. Was Punky a secret little coke whore? I hoped for at least some money drama. Did mama Moon Frye steal her little darling's pay checks for herself, a la Gary Coleman? No. And no. The point of the story? Punky grew up with hippie people. Then she was a cute kid on the tv show. Then her boobs got really big at puberty and boys kept looking at her titties, and hot at HER. Then she got a breast reduction. Then everything was okay again. The end.

Holy shit E!, talk about scraping the bottom of the fucking celebrity trash barrel. The best they can come up with is that Punky Brewster's boobs got big? What happened to the drugs? The lies? The DRAMA???? I'm saddened E! I think a little piece of me died whne I saw that piss poor True Hollywood Story. E! lost some credibility with that one.

This Post Has No Point, Much Like LL's Life

2006-08-24T09:50:00.000-07:00

This post has no purpose. I just love it when crazy looking pictures of Lindsay Lohan turn up, becasue it makes me feel better about myself. Shut up.

People may tell you that drugs are bad. I know I did when I showed you what can hapen after decades of drug use (you start to look like Liza Minelli. Or worse, Elizabeth Taylor). But just look at how happy Lindsay is here. She's floating on air. Ah, the wonders of LSD.

He's like, SO hot

2006-08-23T21:35:00.000-07:00

Paramount has decided to end it's 14 year relationship with Tom Cruise's production company, Cruise/Wagner Productions. The important Paramount guy said that Crusie's recent controversial behavior and conduct led to the split. Apparently when it came down to the shit hitting the fan, Cruise's couch jumping and anti-depressant rantings led to people not wanting to pay $10 a pop to go see his ass run around in the 16th Mission: Impossibe movie. It's kind of fitting that Mission: Impossible was the name of the movie that put up the red flag that Cruise might need to start watching his secretly homosexual ass. Because that's what getting people to admire/respect/like/tolerate at the lowest level Cruise is gonna be. Fucking impossible. Great job Tom! He's lucky that he's already got a bazillion dollars in the bank, because it don't look like the dough gonna be rollin in like it did back in the Jerry Maguire days. Yeah. Remember show me the money? Remember Top Gun? Risky Business? Remember when Tom Cruise got respect? You don't? Well, join the group.

Don't Touch the Spawn

2006-08-23T11:06:00.000-07:00

Apparently Jessica Simpson asked Britney Spears if she could kiss her pregnant belly backstage at the Teen Choice Awards. Britney was happy to do it, and Jessica gave Sean P.'s future llittle sibling a big peck through mama Brit's belly. After the two pop princesses (former pop princesses? Britney's now famous for being a fat disaster and Jessica is famous for being divorced and for having a sister who now, post nose job, is prettier than her) bonded over unborn baby, they headed out for a late night coffee and found out that they have a lot in common and are now on the fast track to becoming the best of freinds. Britney reportedly consoled Jess over the loss of Nick, and Jess told Brit what went wrong in her marriage, so that Britney wouldn't make the same mistakes. Then they hugged and sang kumbaya and worked toward world peace.

Ok, so I made that all up. Britney responded to Jessica's request with a "Hell no!" Jessica was insulted, but Mrs. Federline was firm with her denial. I don't understand the whole thing. Why wouldn't Britney want the blessing of the lineback with blonde hair and tits whose father seems to have a much too intimate knowledge of her DD breasts? And why would Jessica want to have anyhting to do with the spawn of two of the stupidest, trashiest, biggest wastes of precious oxygen people to have ever graced the face of Mother earth? The whole thing confuses the fuck out of me.

You ARE the Weakest Link. Goodbye.

2006-08-23T10:46:00.000-07:00

We all know about K-Fed's magical debut rap performance at the Teen Choice awards. Now we're witnessing the juicy aftermath. Britney has been spotted around Los Angeles in the days that have followed, looking slightly less than her chipper self. Embarassment the cause perchance? And then there's the rap community. What's funny about this is that K-Fed isn't even like the retarded little cousin that won't go away. He's just not on the radar. He doesn't exist. Although it seems that no one has been able to convince him that he's a giant joke. Mr. Britney thinks he's good. He's REAL good.

In the world of 2005, I wouldn't have worried about people starting to like K-Fed as a musical artist. Because he's bad and has no talent and is a drain on the human race. But in the world of 2006, with the success of Stars Are Blind, I'm fully expecting K-Fed's album to hit the tops of the Billboard charts. I mean why not? If the music companies can convince us to get our groove on to the computerized version of Skankerella whining with a beat in the background, then I fully anticipate K-Fed rap to be playing at a college frat party near you in the 2006-07 academic year. May God have mercy upon us all.

The Following Photo Is Why Feedyounghollywood Exists

2006-08-23T10:10:00.000-07:00

A nasty photographer recently yelled the following at Nicole Richie: "Nicole, you look disgusting. Gain some fucking weight!" Nicole was very upset that the paparazzi dude was mean to her, and then went crying to US Weekly, where she described the confrontation she had with the big poo poo head after he said mean things to her: "You don’t scream at people that they are overweight, so what makes people think that they have the right to scream at me that I am underweight? It’s upsetting and mean,” Nicole tells Us. “I am not anorexic. At the moment, I was just sick of everyone constantly bothering me about how I look. I walked up to the photographer and told him, ‘What if I really had anorexia? What if I had a disease? How would you feel about saying such horrible things?’ He probably just wanted to get a rise out of me, but I’m a human being and he hurt my feelings.”

OK kiddies, here we go....

1) Fat people most certainly do get discriminated against and made fun of in public Nicole. Don't show your ignorance.

2) IF I had anorexia? Are you fucking kidding? Look up anorexia in the dictionary sweetheart and you'll find this photo as a visual aid to the definition. People are are bothering you about the way you look because you look awful and are pretending that everything is just swell.

3) He hurt your feelings? Nicole Richie has feelings? Seriously? The only part of the statement I believed less was where she described herself as a human being. No one who throws bleach on a pool table to be spiteful and was once BFF with someone like Paris has the right to complain that someone "hurt her feelings." Shut up and have some cheeseburgers. Or go call Mary-Kate and get the number for that anorexia treatment joint in Utah where she hung out for awhile while fattening up. But don't come cryin' to me about feelings. Puh-leez.

Athletes Can Be Sticks, Too

2006-08-22T08:50:00.000-07:00

Let's spread the blame evenly, shall we? Hollywood starlets and Paris Hilton aren't the only ones who are giving little girls the wrong idea about what's a beautiful body type. Even athletes can fall off the wagon and forget that nutrition is an important part of staying alive. Take exhibit A, Russian Olympic gymnast Svetlana Khorkina. Now most gymnasts are tiny, but with the exception of the Chinese gymnasts(who all look stunted at about age 8), the real successul ones are those who have football player builds with the height of one of Mr. Wonka's oompa loompa's. Svetlana is no Tom Brady Oompa Loompa. But what makes this acrobatic exoskeleton even more annoying is that her mouth is as big as her ankles and wrists are tiny. (Although thankfully for us, she's only capable if running her mouth in Russian). And the big mouth likes to yap about how her goal is to make gymnastics a "woman's" sport. Huh? Last time I checked, sweetie, women have hips and thighs and an ass and breasts. And most weigh over 70 pounds. I read somewhere that she posed for Russian Playboy in her efforts to make gymnastics a woman's sport. I'm sure men throughout the former USSR vomited their vodka at the sight.

Really? No...Really?

2006-08-22T08:03:00.000-07:00

To be completely honest, we here at feedyounghollywood wouldn't know good rap music if it bit us on our ample booties. We listen to the popular rap they play in clubs where everyone collectively frantically shakes their ass to music with lyrics such as "open up those legs girl and let me have my nasty dirty way with you and then i will fuck your friend in front of you and it will be a great time" and we sing along with the rest of the stupid girls and yes, it IS a great time. However, there hath emerged a rapper so sucky, so terrible, that even we know he's bad at it. Anyone who has seen the teen choice awards or the video that is floating around the internet knows as well. He's just a man. He's just a man standing on a stage talking about getting something to eat at a fast food place. If it really bothers him that much that people are looking at him go into the resturant, maybe he should just go up to the drive through? The most perplexing thing about his performance is that people are clapping...Why? why. Are they so sad as to actually enjoy this? Does rapping K-fed make them happy? No, no it can't be. That would be too sad.

And Lo, the Lord saideth, "Let not the espoused of Britney Spears rap, for it is an unholy matrimony and I shall censure him."

So, you heard it here first, God thinks K-fed needs to give up on his rap career.

Ride me, baby!

2006-08-22T07:37:00.000-07:00

Owen Wilson, dubbed by the press as the "Butterscotch Stallion" is rumored to have been the reason Kate Hudson left her husband. Now, we here at feedyounghollywood can appreciate a funny man, a man whose personality is so great you can overlook a broken nose and a ridiculous nickname. But, looks aside, who leaves their husband for the great Butterscotch Stallion? No one Kate, no one. That man is swimming in pussy and when he's done with yours he's just going to hold his breath and dive into the pool for another one. Women are pushovers for a funny man. But funny men don't settle down. Kate Hudson is going to find herself single faster than her movies are out of the theater...well maybe not THAT fast.

Firecrotch: The Musical

2006-08-21T11:03:00.000-07:00

Brandon Davis recently got out of rehab but showed up drunk to the launch of party of Paris Hilton's debut album at Suite in Miami. Man, that rehab place must really suck ass if he can't go a week without boozin' up. Although I suppose if I was going to be subjected to an evening of Paris Hilton singing then I'd be hittin' the sauce too. And we all know what hapens when Brandon gets wasted. We get the next chapter in the firecrotch saga!

Apparently the oil heir (is that his occupation? I mean, what does this kid actually DO? When he has to check those little boxes for occupation, what does he put? Mischa Barton's ex-fuck buddy doesn't count as a career last time I filled out a form) crawled on stage and started yelling about a Firecrotch song he wrote for Linds.

"I wrote a special new song called 'Firecrotch,' and it's for Lindsay Lohan!" He proceeded to ramble on, reminding folks about his infamous online video rant against the actress, which led to him checking into rehab in the first place. Now I don't know if this next piece of information makes this new rant funnier or just sadder, but apparently the "Firecrotch" song is real and was produced by Scott Storch, the genious behind Paris Hilton's album.

I'm hoping after his next trip to rehab we'll all be treated to Firecrotch: The Musical. Do you think ticketmaster is accepting reservations yet? I want orchestra seats!

The Pinnacle of Sobriety

2006-08-21T10:22:00.000-07:00

Fuck, Here I am dedicating more blogspace to Paris Hilton. But she's just too juicy not to pay attention to I suppose. Damn her. Well anyway, this next report isn't so bad. I just found it amusing. In addition to being the biggest skank in the world, I think there is something else we can safely add to the resume of Princess Paris: compulsive liar. Either that or she really is just classially crazy and needs to live in a room with padded walls. She's claims that she's really a sweet girl. She's tried to convince us that despite the 376 different men per week that she's linked with, only two boys have ever had the privelege of inserting their johnsons into the cooch of the Princess. Her newest claim is that when you see ictures of her in clubs downing tequila shots, it's not really tequila in the shot glass. She actually does shots of water, because the taste of alcohol is "like, so gross."

Sorry. That doesn't make any sense. If she wanted everyone to think that she was knockin back tequila shots, then why proclaim to the world that it's only water? And if she reallt only does drink water, then why not sip it out of the bottle that it comes in, and not a dirty shot glass? Although I suppose at this point I've already put more thought into this than she has. The verdict? Water or tequila? Honestly, does it matter? If it's tequila than she's the drunken idiot we all assume she is, and if it's water than she's just an idiot. And probably was laying off the tequila because cocaine and booze can kill you. Even Paris knows that.

I Guess US Weekly Was Misinformed

2006-08-21T10:01:00.000-07:00

Jen and Vince got engaged. US Weekly had sources. ROCK SOLID sources. Jen's people told US Weekley that they had a legit source like Paris Hilton was a virgin, but whatev. However, I think the jig is finally up, as Jennifer did an exclusive with People magazine, where she said:"I'm not engaged and I don't have a ring and I haven't been proposed to...Normally we don't even acknowledge these things because they're endless, at this point. The thing that got me was that I was getting phone calls from Greece! My Aunt Mary in Greece is getting accused of lying! I mean, they're getting angry. "My dad calls and he says, 'Honey, it's on the CNN crawl,' and I'm going, 'Wait a second!' When it starts to travel over into the Today show and CNN and supposedly reliable and accurate news programs, then you just go, 'This is insane.' People are getting fed a lot of bull."

Wait, you mean US Weekly made the whole fuckin thing up? Wow. Didn't see that one coming. And poor Aunt Mary! Don't worry US, you'll forever have the accurate prediciton of the Nick and Jessica split. No one can ever take that away from you.

Jaws, Killer and Chompy Gotta Go

2006-08-21T10:00:00.000-07:00

Ok, so maybe if you have this overly aggressive German Shepard and you're 9 months pregnant, then you might want to consider finding a new home for Rover. That makes sense. Because big mean dogs can eat little fat human babies.

Enter the Federlines. Wife Britney is preggers again. Husband Douche has pet sharks. Wife Britney wants Husband Douche to get rid of the sharks because they are dangerous to have with children in the house.

Okay, where to begin with this one?

1) Why does he have pet sharks? Is that legal? Why is it that celebrities are allowed to blatantly break so many pet laws, and no one gives a shit? If Paris can have a kinkajou and Douche can have 6 sharks, then I don't want cops on my ass when I go shopping at the Grove with my ferret. Me and Bandit aren't going to live in shame any longer!

2) She's having a baby and wants anything dangerous out of the house. Okay, fine. But what about the first baby? Why was it okay for Sean P. to play next to the shark tank, but Jaws & Co. need to be gone by the time baby no. 2 shows up? Does Sean P. not count? Does he not matter? Does no one care if sharks eat Sean P?

3) Maybe I'm being stupid here, but why would a baby be playing in a fish tank anyway? They aren't tall enough to get in anyway. And if they could get into the tank, shouldn't drowning be the primary concern? And why is no one watching the baby? Why would a baby be running around by itself standing on furniture in order to get into the fish tank to go swimming with the sharks? Am I the only one confused here?

What came first, the Paparazzi or the Pizza?

2006-08-18T12:50:00.000-07:00

Personally, I think this is the great philosophical question of all time. Fuck the chicken or the egg conundrum, it's all about the paparazzi or the pizza. Now how many shekels do we want to bet that the pizza was only picked up after the paparazzi showed up? And no, Nicole, it doesn't actually count as nourishing yourself if you run right to the bathroom and barf it up after the cameras leave.

Oh, and nice glasses. I'm sure when Disney is ready to add to the A Bug's Life franchise, you'll be right in the running for the lead insect role.

Her 18th Birthday

2006-08-18T11:21:00.000-07:00

I don't have a daughter. But if I ever do, I certainly do hope that at the age of 12, she's not yet living in a world where she thinks about rape, never mind acting it out.

Dakota Fanning is adorable and has more talent in her right pinkie finger than twelve Paris Hiltons would have in their whole bodies. And the fact that both her and her little sister Elle will have nothing resembling normal childhoods and have been for all intensive purposes been sold to the Hollywood machine is bad enough. Dakota's next movie is called "Houndog," and is a dark story about abuse and violence in the rural south. Her character gets raped, too. Dakota Fanning is 12 years old. Quite a far cry from her Cat in the Hat days.

What kind of psychotic parents would allow their 12 year old daughter's character to be RAPED in a movie? I'm sure Dakota is very smart and mature for her age. I'm sure she understands very well the differences between what's real and what's make believe (Dakota would be dead now if she didn't understand. Any smart child would probably kill themselves if they found out they were the fruit of Tom Cruise's loins, as she was in War of the Worlds). But allowing your child who is still young enough to play with Barbies and cry when someone pulls her hair to act out being raped by a violent adult is INSANE. Dina Lohan comes off looking like Albert fucking Einstein compared to this kid's parents. If Dakota hits 18 without spendning any time on a bathroom floor shoving coke up her nose or getting her stomach pumped at Cedars-Sinai, then I'll be the first in line at her birthday party to congratulate her for a job well done.

And on a side note, there is already at least one website counting down to her 18th birthday. Holy shit people, there are enough skanks floating around Hollywood for you to masturbate to on those lonely nights. Leave the poor kid alone.

Quacker and Mr. Frappuccino

2006-08-18T09:47:00.000-07:00

I can't decide if I admire Heath and Michelle for telling the paparazzi to go eat shit and die (well, in not so many words) or if I think someone needs to to tell them to go eat shit and die. You're a celebrity. Pavarotti's (god bless K-Fed's pearls of wisdom!) will follow. It's part of the job description. So I think I'll just make fun of how they look instead. That seems to be the route that requires the least amount of thought.

Heath Ledger is a wild sexpot. Or at least that's what Hollywood keeps telling me. I don't know though. I'm not seeing the sex appeal of a dude holding a "fuck off" sign whose sporting more scraggly pubic-like facial hair than the local bums who bother me on my way to Starbucks every morning. I almost half expect Heath to jump out of the picture and beg be for some loose change so he can get his own orange moca frappuccino (and then when i turn my back he'll go off and buy more bacardi 151 with my frappuccino funds. i think im drifting off topic here...)

I know this is catty and bitchy. And I wouldn't be surprised if someone left a comment telling me a stupid mean spirited cunt with no self esteem who makes fun of others to elevate her own sense of self-importance. And maybe you're right. (And a big fat fuck you.) But I'm going to say this anyway. Michelle Williams looks like a duck. I don't understand why someone allowed her to be in movies. Putting the pre-K bathing suit aside, she is setting herself up to be made fun of because she looks like the AFLAC mascot. I hope that baby of theirs learns to like the inside of paper bags, because that's the only way she's gonna get through life. O SNAP, did I just make fun of a freakin baby????? Damn, that's low.

I See Drunk People

2006-08-18T08:26:00.000-07:00

Congratulations, Hayley Joel Osment! The former dead people see-er and Little Forest was charged with four criminal counts today, including:

1) Driving while having a blood alcohol content of .08 percent or higher, with the special honor of having a blood alcohol content of .15 percent or higher, and

2) Possession of marijuana while driving.

Here I though he was a cute, sweet little kiddie actor. If Little Forest can fall off the wagon, then there's absolutely no hope for child actors. I don't care what they say. You can't grow up in this town and come out normal. But maybe the judge will go easy on him. Hayley Joel could just tell the judge that all of the dead people appearing to him caused him to drink and smoke up some shit. Cause really, could anyone throw the kid that saw dead people behind bars?

I Hate Skinny Jeans

2006-08-17T12:58:00.000-07:00

After a few weeks of existence (and70+ posts!) I think it's time that we rant and rave about a new kind of topic. We've made fun of the sticks in their gucci glasses, laughed at the MTV curse on reality show couples, wondered along with the rest of the planet at the whereabouts of Suri Cruise, and watched with glee as Paris and Lindsay got sadder and sadder. Now it's time for a quick fashion rant.

May I present to you, the SKINNY JEANS:

I know fashion is ever evolving, but this back to the 80s crap is really starting to piss me off. Skinny jeans look very nice on the Kate Moss's and Christy Turlington's of the world, but REAL WOMEN LOOK RIDICULOUS IN THEM. Ever seen the movie Real Women Have Curves? The title pretty much says it all. Skinny jeans are only flattering if you're a size 0p with no junk in the trunk. On real women, not only do they not compliment anything, but they emphasize all the wrong things. Nice flared legs or boot cuts balance out hips and the ass. So the point of all this? Fuck you skinny jeans, fuck you. I'll wear my flares till the day Paris Hilton shows a lil class.

Can't Keep Down Drugged-Out Love

2006-08-17T12:35:00.000-07:00

I don't even have anything to say to this. After she got caught snorking coke as a result of fucking a coked out bad musician, a photo of which then ended up in the tabloids which almost ruined her supermodel career, Kate Moss is now apparently back with Pete Doherty and ready to walk down the aisle. I guess she's just a supermodel, so we can't expect much from her in the brains department, but Jesus Hong, Pete Doherty? I've seen corpses that look healthier than this guy. She's really willing to give her three year old daughter a stepfather whose claim to fame is that he's the worl'd biggest crackhead? Someone needs to call British social services. That poor little kid would have a better shot being raised by wolves. Even Sean P's got the upper hand on this kid.

CAUTIONIMAGES ARE OF A TRAIN WRECK IN PROGRESS

2006-08-17T12:30:00.000-07:00

Kudos to genious Perez Hilton (perezhilton.com) for stumbling across these beauties. These were obviously privately taken pics that one of LL's BFF's leaked to make a buck (or to stab firecrotch in the back, take your pick), but these snippets into Lindsay Lohan's private life just make us love to talk shit about her even more. If I had one of those remote controls from the movie Click, I'd totally fast forward 30 or so years, pop some popcorn, pour myself a nice glass of chardonnay and watch the Lindsay Lohan E! True Hollywood Story. Because dear readers, it's gonna be GREAT.

Didn't Smell This One Coming

2006-08-17T11:36:00.000-07:00

This next story falls under the category of "coming in from left field. from a different ballpark. in a different zipcode." Remember 1996? A time when Paris Hilton was still a virgin. An era before Tom Cruise jumped on couches. Brad Pitt was still dicking around with Gwyneth Paltrow. Independence Day was tops at the summer box office? The Whitewater scandal? the Atlanta Olympics? Remember a little unsolved Christmas murder in Colorado? Yeah, well apparently they just found JonBenet Ramsey's killer, fucking around in Thailand.

I'm not going to make fun of anything here, because the whole thing is just sad. Little girls dressed like prostitutes in beauty pagents is sad. A family losing their child is sad. Innocent parents (one of whom never lived to see the killer captured) having to live out their lives when everyone assumes that they axed their kid and then got away with it is sad. I just think it's so random. It's like dude, why did you take 10 friggin years to figure out who killed the kid? And the guy is in THAILAND? I suppose he could have been found in a randomer place. He could have been living in a mud hut in Uzbekistan or something.

And what's with shit making a comeback all of a sudden? One George Bush was enough, but then the W. version came. Michael Jackson was in the news for fondling little boys in the early 90s. Michael Jackson is in the news AGAIN for fondling little boys in the early 2000s. JonBenet was everywhere in the news in '96. And the poor kid, 10 years in the grave, is gonna be everywhere in the news again in 2006. And leggings? That shit should have stayed in the fucking 80s. Fuck you firecrotch for bringing back this awful, awful trend! Thailand. Jeez.

The Follwong Is A True Story

2006-08-16T12:05:00.000-07:00

True Story:

I'm walking past my local Victoria's Secret store, and I notice a huge ass add featuring Heidi Klum. And of course I stop and look at the advertisement, because anyone (gay, straight or anything in between) who isn't mesmerized with how fucking gorgeous she is is not a human. Nope. Sorry. Just not a human. So anyway, the ad features Heidi saying that they call her "the Body." I thought to myself, I thought another, older supermodel was called that? Hmmmm. I took another swig of my coke and continued on my merry way.

Well, apparently Elle MacPherson and I think alike, because she noticed this as well and is now FUMING that Heidi is being called "the Body." Great. I have the brain of a supermodel with the looks of mid-90s Chelsea Clinton. And I wonder late at night why men aren't banging down my door.

Anyway, we live in a world where we can no longer bring water on planes due to terrorist threats, women get gang-banged by soldiers, and children shrivel up and die by the thousands becasue they have no food. But it matters which fucking supermodel has the title of "The Body" protected by copyright?

You're both fucking gorgeous! Stop the crazy crap! Why can't we have TWO "Bodies"? Why o why can't we all just get along?

To Hell with Pirates, Superman & Ricky Bobby

2006-08-16T11:41:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you guys, but my whole life has been leading up to the release of Material Girls, the new movie starring........................wait for it.................................Hilary AND Haylie Duff!

Plot Outline: Two wealthy sisters, both heiresses to their family's cosmetics fortune, are given a wake-up call when a scandal and ensuing investigation strip them of their wealth.

Two categories of thought spring to mind:

1) Seriously? The-little-rich-girl-who-loses-her-money-and-has-to-work-but-ends-up-learning-important-life-lessons-along-the-way schtick has been done, oh, say......70 times before? Just a ballpark figure. And just because there are two of them who lose their vast fortune does *not* make the plot original nor the movie necessary. But I guess it'll be exciting anyway (because all Hilary Duff movies are groundbreaking), since not only do we get to watch an hour and 26-30 minutes of Hilary, but we get Haylie too! I totally wet my pants when I found out that there was going to be a movie with both of them! Gosh, I wish I had a younger, cuter, more talented little sister whose coattails I could ride!

2) Please let this happen to the Hilton sisters, please let this happen to the Hilton sisters, please let this happen to the Hilton sisters.......

House of Dumbasses

2006-08-16T10:34:00.000-07:00

Just when you thought reality TV couldn't get any better, this fall MTV is taking things to all new heights with House of Carters, a new reality show based on the family of former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter. And it's about fucking time I say. The American public has been crying out for a deeper look into this family composed of DUI arrests, assault charges, attacks, breaking & entering, and emancipation requests. Compared to this fucking train-wreck family, the Osbournes are gonna look like the Cleavers from Leave It To Beaver (perhaps an obscure comparison, but I spent a lot of days off from school with my grandmother, who forced me to watch Beaver reruns on TVLand. So back the fuck off please!). I'm a little excited about this. I'd love to get an inside look on the boys who between them have dated Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Hilary Duff. I'm sure House of Carters will show a whole new deeper and more intellectual side of the Carter boys and their mom, who steals money from her children. Should be awesome and a half.

Feel the Sting

2006-08-16T10:06:00.000-07:00

Get your Tantric drink on with that guy who sang that creepy song that P. Diddy remade for his dead friend that isn't as famous as Tupac anymore. Ooo and he also sang that song about the desert with that guy who was singing all crazy in the background and you told everyone you didn't like the weird sounds that guy was making but really those sounds made u all happy inside.

Stinger "Because I Sting her for hours at a time" -Sting

2 ounces brandy (make mine with bourbon; rum is also nice)
1/2 ounce (or less) white creme de menthe

Sting told us to give you all this amazing recipe because he wants to share the love with all of you. He wants you to break out the Kama Sutra and Sting you all night long, baby. Free love.

Boys Are Trendy Too!

2006-08-15T17:06:00.000-07:00

Pregnant bellies are the new hot accessory to have in tinseltown. Apparently the Hollywood baby craze has gotten SO big, that even male celebs are getting in on the hot new look. I expect my invitation to Val Kilmer's baby shower any day now.

And She Keeps Getting Dumber

2006-08-15T15:05:00.000-07:00

It has been reported that Britney gave the gift that keeps on giving to her douche hubby K-Fed. That's right. The Centurio Card. Otherwise know as the infamous American Express Black Card. Unlimited Spending Power. And I agree with Britney, that's JUST what K-Fed needs. He wasn't enough of a mooching freeloader before. He deffinitely needed the Black Card, in case he wakes up one morning and decides that he needs to purchase a luxury private jet or yacht with Britney's money, so that him and his posse have a way to get around/a place to party. Maybe a Swarovski crystal encrusted wifebeater? These everyday necessities are now within K-Fed's reach. And thank GOD for that. I'm at peace now, knowing that K-Fed is well taken care of.

Ryder's Gonna Be An Only Child

2006-08-15T14:32:00.000-07:00

Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson have shocked the world by announcing that they are splitting after six years of marriage; which is funny because usually when you move in with someone after knowing them for....what was it? Three days or something? The union is solid as a rock. And typically any matrimonial union involving a rock star reaches the silver anniversary. Throw in a bubbleheaded actress as the bride and you're pretty much assured to hit the semicentennial mark. I guess Kate's pole dancing wasn't as successful as she had hoped. Congratulations Kate and Chris, for becoming another Hollywood statistic! Good job! Maybe Kate will choose to deal with the demise of her marriage by indulging in tacos and cheesburgers. Gaining a few pounds wouldn't kill her.

Get That Kinkajou to a Vet!

2006-08-14T13:03:00.000-07:00

I hate Paris Hilton. But in feedyounghollywood's short history, I feel like we've written about her more than any other celebrity. And I can't decide if I am angry that I have to keep dedicating precious blogspace to her sluterella antics or more and more amused that her life is like watching someone succumb to a very slow moving but deadly flesh-eating virus. Eventually we'll see what's underneat. Then we'll run, scream, and hide.

Paris Hilton loves animals. She loves her pets. And by "loves," I mean she carries them around until they either get too big or she gets bored and gets a new one. Then a few weeks down the road she carries them around again, only for round two they are carried around as a purse or fur coat.

Enter Baby Luv, her kinkajou. Now I'm no expert here, but if ferrets are illegal in the state of California, then I'm like 99% sure you aren't allowed to tote zoo animals around on outings to LAX, The Ivy and Hyde, either. Now Tinkerbell might not have had the balls to do it, but Baby Luv is no pussy-whipped accessory, and reportedy bit Paris on the arm early Tuesday morning. Paris went to the hospital and got a tetnus short shortly thereafter. That's all well and good, but what about the kinkajou's health? After biting Paris, that poor creature should have recieved a full medical evaluation. God knows what kind of weird shit it might have picked up sinking its teeth into the body of Paris. My prayers are with you Baby Luv!

More Fish & Chips Love, Please!

2006-08-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

David Beckham has reportedly begged his Spice Wife Victoria to gain some weight. They would like to add a daughter to their growing family, but in Victoria's current pile of firewood condition, she can barely support her own life functions, nevermind carrying a kid. So David wants Posh to eat a little more and get healthier.

Wait...........WHAT?

You mean to tell me that the anorexic look isn't ATTRACTIVE? Becks doesn't think it's sexy to be so underweight that menstruation and all related child rearing activites cease to function because the body is in starvation and protest mode? Collar bones and ribs sticking and poking during sex isn't a turn on?

Good for you Becks, get your wife back to her formerly hot self. Pass Posh some more fish and chips! Some tea and crumpets! And don't forget the cheeseburgers, with EXTRA cheese!

And on a side not, you know what I *love* most about this picture? Posh was going to pick up her son Brooklyn from school when this pic was snapped. See the tyke whos hand Posh is holding? That ain't her kid. That's just some random kid. Huh. Whatever.

Ashlee Simpson

2006-08-14T11:01:00.000-07:00

After L.O.V.E i didn't think i could handle any more of her. I had nothing against the Simpson sisters when they first started coming around. I liked Jessica's voice and Ashlee's song "Pieces of Me" was cute. But now I want them to RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY AND NEVER RETURN SIMBA...I MEAN SIMPSONS SISTERS.

Now, the nicest thing I can say about Jessica is that she has a nice rack, so that is all i am going to say about her. Ashlee is a different matter and no, it's not because she lip syncs, I know that all "singers" do that at least once in awhile. But I hate Ashlee because bitch gave herself an eating disorder. First, to get attention, she told us all she had an eating disorder when she was like 10 or 11, she said she only weighed 70 pounds and her parents made her eat...that's not a disorder. That is called being a picky child. I never really paid attention to Ashlee's body, because nothing that no-talent wannabe does will ever make her attractive, but it seemed like she was the right weight for her body type. Ever since her nose job, each picture of her is skinner than the last. What is she doing? Why? To get attention? She knows having an "eating disorder" will get her more attenion. Despite the fact that we make fun of underweight celebrities on this site, anorexia is a disease, and NONE of these people have it. They do it on purpose and dumbass ashlee is the perfect example of this. I have never found her attractive but obviously someone must have if she is still around as a "musician" or "artist" or whatever the crap we are calling assholes who make records even tho they cant sing these days. I can't decide who I hate more, Ashlee or the jerks that keep her around.

SexyLineBack

2006-08-14T09:51:00.000-07:00

Janet Jackson recently told Vibe magazine that she plans to keep showing off her sexay body until she's 80 years old. She's so proud of it after gaing 312 pounds for a "movie role" and then coveniently losing it juuuuuust in the nick of time to promot her new album. I don't know, I kinda suspected all along that she just got fat on her own, and then her label told her to shed the beached wale look or they'd stick her with brother Michael in the pretend-this-never-existed file.

I can't put my finger on it, but there's just something about Janet Jackson's body that doesn't scream sexpot to me. Maybe it's because when I look at her I see Michael, who is the sex appeal equivalent of the antichrist. Or maybe it's simply that her physique reminds me of an NFL linebacker. I don't know. Whatever.

Dave <3's Jenna

2006-08-11T13:01:00.000-07:00

Dave Navarro got a lot of shitlash when he admitted to experimenting with dudes to answer his own personal questions about his sexuality. I say, good for you Dave, I hope you had fun even if you found out in the end that the dick wasn't for you. Although I don't see why people were so surprised that he have some inkling toward the penis. I mean, the man is prettier than most females, and wears eyeliner and nailpolish. But anyway, Dave seems to have gone back to the coochie for keeps. Although him and Carmen Electra have shockingly decided that their marraige wasn't meant to stand the test of time, Dave isn't sitting at home crying. At least not tears of sorrow. Dave has a new gal pal, and she's none other than America's FAVORITE porn star, Jenna Jameson, who was recently crowned First-Porn-Star-To-Be-Made-Into-Wax-At-Madame-Tussauds. Mazel Tov to you, Dave and Jenna, and I most certainly look forward to the leaking of your first sex tape.

What Paris Was Thinking....

2006-08-11T11:59:00.000-07:00

Yes dear readers, it's time for another installment of What Paris Was Thinking. We sincerely hope that you enjoy the wit and wisdom of our favorite celebutante, Paris Hilton.

1) People think I'm a whore, so I'll tell them all that I don't spread my legs for everyone, I only like to kiss. In fact, I've only had sex with two boys in my whole life! They'll believe that. Everyone knows about Rick Solomon,so he has too be one of them. But I'm sure I can convince everyone that between Stavros Niarchos, my former fiancee Paris Latsis, Nick Carter, Deryck Whibley, my other former fiancee Jason Shaw, Matt Leinart, and the bunch of other guys that I've "dated," I've only had sex with one of them! Everyone will think I'm so classy now! This plan is so hot!

2) My new single "Stars Are Blind" is so hot right now. In the song, I sing about the stars in the sky that usually twinkle, but are actually blind. Some think it's "ironic" that I am the one singing about stars being blind. They say there's like, a second meaning to it or something. I don't get it. Some people are just SO not hot.

Just Say No to Drugs!

2006-08-11T11:48:00.000-07:00

We here at feedyounghollywood, as we have stated before, know that our readers are a savvvvvy bunch who enjoy all sorts of eclectic interests. So we like to throw in the occasional movie, book, or music review, just to break the monotomy of the seemingly endless stream of anorexic/crazy/coked-out celebrities. And we KNOW, that some of you may occasionally....uh.....like to.......uh.........."expand" your minds. And we want you to have fun! BUT, we also want you to keep in mind the dangers that drugs can pose to people who do them just a weeeeeeeee bit too often. So I won't tell you to put down that bong, I will not demand that you throw away that special mushrrom or that little happy pill. But take a look at what can happen if you party too hard for too long. We care about you here at feedyounghollywood. We want you safe. Because we want you to keep reading.

Celebrity Gossip Magazines are NEVER wrong

2006-08-11T10:20:00.000-07:00

Everyone seemed at the point of acceptance regarding Vaughnistan. It's over. No engagement, no little Vinces would be barelling through Jen's reproductive tract.

But don't tell Us Weekly that. Although Jen's publicist are denying the cover story, Us Weekly is standing behind its claims that Vince popped the question, and the former Friends star happily accepted. Us Weekly even went so far as to challenge the validity of the publicist's sources, also stating that their own sources are extremely accurate and close to the star (O, aren't they always?). Yeah. I'm sure that the celeb trash magazine has better information than people employed by Aniston. But Us Weekly did predict the Nick & Jessica demise weeks before it happened (and never let us forget that they were right, either), so maybe I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. Us Weekly could be right. Jen's publicist could be wrong/lying. And Paris Hilton could also be secretly donating her income to help starving flea ridden orphans in Mozambique, too.

Celebrities of Hollywood: The Curse of MTV

2006-08-10T21:45:00.000-07:00

Eight months after Nick and Jessica decided that their marraige was a sham that needed to be ended for the amusement of celebrity gossiping kind, Shanna Moakler and Travis Barker of MTV's Meet the Barkers have also decided to call it quits. Moakler, a former Miss USA and Playboy Playmate, and Barker, drummer for Blink-182, had been married a whopping almost two years. Now for real people, that's a pretty short run, but considering the couple was comprised of a big breasted blonde who made her career out of being a big breasted blonde, and a punk drummer, almost two years isn't too shaby at all I suppose.

I hope that C-List celebrity couples have learned something from the demise of Nick & Jessica and Travis & Shanna. NEVER HAVE AN MTV REALITY SHOW ABOUT YOUR MARRAIGE. Unless, you're actually aiming for divorce. Honestly, you'd think after Nick & Jessica, that the lesson would have been learned, but I guess you just can't keep spotlight craving C-Listers down when cable reality shows are beckoning them.

WARNING This Post is NOT Mean/Sarcastic/Unpleasant in Any Way

2006-08-10T13:42:00.000-07:00

So I was sitting on my bed (get your mind out of the gutter!), watching Mr. & Mrs. Smith, and something ocurred to me. Something big. Something that needed to be shared with the feedyounghollywood world

We here at feedyounghollywood like to make fun of celebrities. I'm sure you've noticed. But there are some celebrities who we will just not poke fun at, because we blindly worship the toilets they shit upon. I'm sorry. I know some of you out there are waiting for the post where we tear Brangelina to shreds. Well, I'm letting you know now, that post is never coming. We love them both individually, and we love them even more together. Which is why we also love the product of their lovin' as well. Yes, yes, I'm talkin' 'bout lil' Shiloh Nouvel.

We're a new site, and Shiloh was born before we were. But during my viewing of Mr & Mrs Smith, I decided that a shoutout was needed to the world's first genetically perfect baby. Mad and Z rock too, but Shiloh is in a class by herself.

So basically, this post has no point other than as an outlet for our excitement over the fact that two of the world's most beautiful people are doin the nasty and reproducing. Now I'm all for adopting more orphans. I think that's great. But Angie, Brad needs a SON. Otherwise who will my daughter and her little friends masturbate to 20 years down the road?

Don't worry though, The list of celebrities that the feedyounghollywood team worships without question is short. I have more fingers on my right hand (and my left too. I don't have a deformed hand or anything. I just picked my right hand because I'm a righty and I'm partial to that side. That's all.) than the list has entries, so fret not!

Thandie Newton's Dissapearing Act

2006-08-10T12:12:00.000-07:00

You may remember Thandie as "woman from ER who got knocked up by Carter and then lost the baby" or "woman from Crash who got fingered by Matt Dillon" I am torn over my feelings for Thandie. You see, she is beautiful. There is no disputing that...BUT...I cannot support anorexic beauty. I can't! It isn't in my nature or my heart. I feel like this woman is dying in front of us and we are all just watching her thinking about how beautiful she is. If she leans over too far her collarbones will slide out through her armpits. If she loses anymore weight she won't have enough fatty tissue to keep her eyeballs in the sockets. They will just fall and hang on the veins...and we will probably all still think she is beautiful...Give Thandie a double cheeseburger, on the house.

Lindsay Lohan Dreams of Being a Biomedical Engineer

2006-08-10T11:01:00.000-07:00

.....not really. But it got your attention though, didn't it? In the September issue of Elle magazine, her Royal Highness, Princess Lohan of Skankville, gives a candid interview about men, partying, and life goals.

Linds shockingly reveals to Elle that if the sex is bad in a relationship, then the relationship is going nowhere. Hold on a sec there.........WHAT? Are you telling me that Lindsay Lohan isn't a vestal virigin? And here I had her at the top of my list of young girls most willing to deliver the next messiah via virgin birth. Oh well. I guess I'll have to rely on the #2 candidate, Nicole Richie

Ms. Lohan also defends her wild partying. Apparently, she has rules. She has to home before the sun comes up, unless it's like a "birthday or whatever." Based on her party schedule, it seems that "whatever" is defined as any night monday thru sunday. And even if Morgan Creek executives team up and create another day of the week to throw a wrench in LL's party gears, it's ok, because EVERY day of the year is SOMEONE's birthday!

My favorite part of the article, however, has to be the part where she discusses her ambitions. She idolizes Marilyn, because she was "this beautiful sex kitten, who's basically a pinup, which is what I've always wanted to be." Now THERE's a goal a young girl should have! Why should the little girls of America, who look up to dear Lindsay, be encouraged to grow up and be something stupid, like a doctor, or a lawyer, or something that doesn't involve stripper poles, silicone, or strange penises? Good for you Lindsay. If only we could all aspire to you greatness.

Double Standards Part: the Fourth

2006-08-10T10:41:00.000-07:00

NICK VS. JESSICA
We are all sick of Nick and Jessica. FUCKING. SICK. OF. BOTH. OF. YOUR. SKANKY. ASSES.

However, we here at feedyounghollywood are also sick of Jessica being called a slut for fucking Adam Levine and Dane Cook while Nick is simply "healing" with every Double D, D list celebrity he can find. Now, we don't want to give the wrong impression. We side with Nick for the break up and we don't like Jessica Simpson. BUT don't call one a slut and one a sensitive hero, because he's not. Nick married an idiot so that he could play with her large breasts for the rest of his life. Then she dumped him and he went on to play with other large breasts.

Therefore, we strip Nick of his "sensitive" label and place in its stead the label of "WHORE"

Holy Shit

2006-08-09T12:35:00.000-07:00

I titled this Holy Shit because that's what I said to myself when I saw this photo. Because I don't remember the last time I saw a photo like this. I think it might have been back in the late 90s or something, back when Britney was hot. Remember those days? Yeah, I'm a little fuzzy on them too.

Typically when a mother has a child, whether it be through adoption or by squeezing it out of the coochie, the mother spends some sort of time with it. Some wealthy mothers have nannies do the dirty work of raising their kids instead, but still, the actual mothers are usually located somewhere nearby. Or at least within the same state. Being in the same country as the kid that you are "raising" is typically also a good way for the kid not to just mistake you for the local florist.

Enter Nicole Kidman. Two kids with Psycho Cruise, Connor and Isabella. Now while I do think that Tom is, in fact, a walking penis, at least you see him with his kids. He goes on vacation with them. He goes to their baseball and soccer games. And even if it's just staged for the press, at least the kids do physically see him. And mama Nicole? As far as we can tell, she hasn't been around them since sometime around the last ice age. I didn't even know that she still bothered keeping in contact with them until this photo surfaced. I still don't believe it. I don't even think she knows their names. I probably know more about Connor and Isabella than she does. Kudos to the photoshop work, you sneaky bastard out there, wherever you are! Move over Melanie and Dina, we've got a new Parent of the Year nominee!!!!

Who wants to play Fruit Cock Tail?

2006-08-09T12:03:00.000-07:00

Star Jone's favorite drink:

Star Cocktail

1 ounce apple brandy (I used Laird’s Applejack)
1 ounce sweet vermouth
3 dashes Peychaud’s or Angostura bitters (I used Peychaud’s)

2 dashes gum syrup
Stir with ice and strain into chilled cocktail glass; garnish with lemon twist.

"My husband likes it when I put my cocktail into his star. See! We're not getting divorced because he's not secretly gay and he definately didn't marry me because I said I would kick him in the face till he wasn't pretty anymore! Remember when I was a lawyer and you all thought I was incredibly intelligent? Yeah, me neither." -Star Jones

Those Crazy Japanese....

2006-08-09T11:18:00.000-07:00

I've never been to Japan. In fact, I don't even know any Japanese people. All I realy know is that they have awesome food, a lot of volcanoes, and have some issues with sex. Oh, and that they are all CRAZY.

For some reason, the island nation of Japan worships the Hilton sisters. And now Sanrio, the Hello Kitty, Bouncy Froggy, Precious Moneky, & Stinky Skanky company are immortilizing Paris with her own Hello Kitty line. The Paris kitties have Paris's signature bleach blonde locks, Tinkerbell sidekick, and cute little designer outfits. I'm also hearing that a more expensive Paris Hello Kitty line will be available for serious collectors, who prefer a more relistic and life-based version of Paris. This special verison kitty has been designed with holes in the backside, vagina, mouth, and nose so that buyers can insert the matching penises, penises, penises, and cocaine, respectively.

Double Standards Part: the Third

2006-08-09T10:26:00.000-07:00

For the third installment of Double Standards, we are going to attempt to tackle the two biggest Slutballs in hollywood? Are you ready? I'm not sure I am...... So prepare for the battle of the Slut betwixt!

PARIS HILTON AND COLIN FARRELL

WHO SHALL BE THE FEEDYOUNGHOLLYWOOD SLUT SUPREME???!!!

O man...well they both made a sex tape. One Night in Paris, which wouldn't get a monkey off. I don't understand how porn can be THAT boring. Who answers their cell phone while they are making a sex tape? Paris Hilton, that's who. "Hi like, im sorry im gonna have to call you back, remember that girl from 90210? Brenda? Yeah, im fucking her husband and we're like, taping it. Yeah, its hot, i will show it to you after its done. bye!"
Colin Farrell has a sex tape too, only his was with a professional...ding ding ding! We have a winner for this round. Plenty of people make amature sex tapes, it takes a real Slut to make one with a Porn Star. Congrats Colin.

Battle Apparel: Paris wears the sluttiest clothing that ever dared to slut a slut. Now, men can't wear slutty clothing, so instead we will look at Colin's movie apparel. Ever see a little movie called Alexander? Well don't. But yeah, a lot of nude Colin. However, he never showed his vagina, so Paris wins this round.

Triple the points: Battle Relationships: Paris has been in a fuck of a lot of relationships, Stavros, Paris, Nick Carter (wha?), Nicole Richie. She has also hooked up with a lot of randoms on the side. Now let's examine Colin. He has a son with an ex-girlfriend...his only ex girlfriend. he just fucks everyone else. No dating for Mr. Farrell...he wins.

So our SLUT SUPREME is officially COLIN FARRELL!!!

Congrats Mr. Farrell, we hope someday you tell your son of the honor you recieved today and that he is proud to follow in your footsteps as SLUT SUPREME!

Jared Leto: Hot or Not?

2006-08-08T12:46:00.000-07:00

I can't make up my mind about Jared Leto, so we here at feedyounghollywood are bringing the matter to the discretion of our highly intelligent readers. Jared Leto: hot or not?

HOT: Jared is in a hot ass band, 30 Seconds to Mars. He is a great singer and he totally rocks out. We saw them when they opened for Incubus, although we only realized in retrospect that the opening band was, in fact, Jared Leto's.

HOT: Jared Leto in Fight Club as Angel.

NOT: Fat Jared Leto wandering the streets of New York City...sure it was for a "role" jared...we all beleive this...especially since that movie will totally come out or get some press someday...

HOT: Jared Leto in Alexander. Its an awful movie and Jared could never rock eyeliner like Johnny, but with his tan skin and eyeliner in this movie, he was cute enough.

NOT: Pale, bloated Jared Leto with too much black eyeliner. He looks like a moldy pumpkin when he goes out in public like this. Bad Leto, bad.

NOT: and this is a HUGE NOT HOT moment...Jared is 31, althoughhe looks young for his age. However, dating 19 year olds is NOT HOT. We could forgive an age discrepancy for love, but Jared has not stayed with any of these teenagers long enough to convince us he loved them. He stays long enough to convince us he likes the teenage coochie. Lets see...he has dated Lindsay Lohan, Ashley Olsen and Scarlett Johannsen...

Alrite, hot or not? you decide.

Suri Watch: Day 5,376

2006-08-08T12:01:00.000-07:00

We all know the story of TomKat and their "baby." I can't even make fun of them anymore. It's just too painful and too easy. So I'll stick to giving you the newest update on SuriWatch. Leah Remini claims to have see her, but she's a scientologist, so anything she says doesn't count/doesn't matter/doesn't make any sense. Then Jada Pinkett-Smith claimed to have seen the fruit of psychoman's loins, but as she is also a scientologist, anything she says or claims to have seen doesn't count/doesn't matter/doesn't make sense. Now Penelope Cruz says she met the little bundle of joy as well. Now, Penelope isn't a scientologist as far as we know, although her sense of judgment/sanity/status as a non-brainwashed human can most certainly be put into question, as she dated Tom Cruise for three years. But in Penelope's defense, maybe she honestly thinks that she did see the baby. Tom could have shown Penelope a 30 pound cheese wrapped in a baby blanket a la I Love Lucy, and perhaps Penelope just thought that it was a baby. With that nose constantly blocking her vision field, I'm sure she makes silly mistakes all the time. Wow. Even I found that comment to be in poor taste.

Our Summer Movie Reviews

2006-08-08T11:31:00.000-07:00

Hey all, we didn't get to see as many movies as we wanted to this summer, but here are some brief reviews of the ones we did see:

Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest: great, hot wonderful go see it, masturbate to Johnny Orlando and Keira (if you're into firewood), email us and tell us how much u liked it.

Miami Vice: I didn't actually see it, but Colin Farrell makes me want to hurl up my most recent meal, so I'm giving it a thumbs down for that reason alone.

The Break Up: Boring and not funny, although it started Vaughnistan, so you celebrity gossip mongers might want to waste the hour and a half of your lives watching it for that reason alone. Just don't expect any entertainment from it.

John Tucker Must Die: We didn't see this movie but I am giving it a big thumbs down for starring hot girls and not having any real lesbian sex. boooooooo!

The Devil Wears Prada: cute clothes, anne hathaway had GREAT lipstick on in every scene, Meryl Streep was great. Don't see it if you have read the book though, because the movie will piss you off.

You, Me and Dupree: Don't waste your money on this awful piece of excrement. I love Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson is hot.........but no. The movie was as much fun as when i had to take my friend to that alley to get that abortion from that man who said he was a doctor in his home country but i dont really think he was so after he was done i took her to a real hospital and she was fine but we decided never to do anything like that again because we were so young and we had our whole lives in front of us. yeah. its kinda like that.

Double Standards Part: the Second

2006-08-08T10:18:00.000-07:00

Again we must delve deep, deep into our souls and bring some justice for the women in this world. Lets take one of our favorite love-to-hate celebrities, Lindsay Lohan and her ex, Wilmer Valderama.

Lets compare them shall we?
Lindsay looks like a dirty, used up, 40 year old prostitute. Wilmer looks...exactly the same except add a skeevy mustacchio, all the better to store coke in, my dear, to the mix.

Lindsay doesn't beleive in monogamy. We don't know Wilmer's views on this.

Wilmer was caught lying about having taken Mandy Moore's virginity and doing Jennifer Love Hewitt up da butt...barf. The point is, these ladies came out and said that they would never let the scum bucket touch them. As low as Lindsay has gotten she has never lied. She told us she is screwing several "over seas" men at once. And, to be fair, Lindsay wasn't a whore until Wilmer broke her heart.

So let us all band together and hate Wilmer with the passion of a thousand burning suns and if you should ever spy him, throw stones and yell "Strumpet!" for that is truly what he is.

New Candidate for Parent of the Year

2006-08-07T11:55:00.000-07:00

A pictured surfaced recently of Melanie Griffith lighting up her 17-year-old daughter Dakota's (dad is the illustrious Don Johnson) cigarette on the street. Never mind that the legal age for smoking in the good ol' US of A is 18, because we all know that the law doesn't apply to celebrities. At least not really. Dina Lohan better watch her stage mommy ass, because we're throwing Melanie into the mix for the feedyounghollywood parent of the year award. Maybe for Dakota's 18th birthday, her and mama Melanie can snort an 8-ball of cocaine together. Now that would be a great mother-daughter bonding activity.

Double Standards Part: the First

2006-08-07T11:47:00.000-07:00

The feedyounghollywood team makes fun of some promiscious girls. However, this doesn't mean that we don't encourage promiscuity (as long as you keep to the promiscuity code: safe sex, no animals, no children, and NO Tom Cruise). It's just fun to make fun of celebrities who get caught having a little too much fun. We realize that there is a huge double standard in Hollywood. The girls are the "whores" and the "sluts" and the men are the "playboys" and the "bachelors"

Take for example, the STD ridden team of Whorela Anderson and Kid Rock. Whorela made a sex tape with her then husband, "Herpherp" Lee, and was downloaded and ridiculed for about a decade. Kid Rock made a sex tape too, consisting of a bunch of random groupies and Scott Stapp...barf. Excuse me. Now, Whorela gets called a whore because people WANT to see her have sex. If no one wanted to, the tape would have fizzled as fast as Kid Rock's and no one would remember. Some would also say that Whorela is scantily clad, which is true. BUT Kid Rock wears less than she does...he could at least have the courtesy to tie a string around his nipples too.

Sing Along with Nicole Richie

2006-08-07T11:42:00.000-07:00

Bulemic in red!
Barfing up dinner while the town is in bed
She doesn't have a body
But laddie
she's got lots of money!

ooorr
Throw throw throw up food
gently retch it oooout
merrily merrily merrily merrily
if you barf the carbs don't count

ooorr
If barfing makes me skiiiinnnnyyy
It can't be that baaaaadddd
if it makes me skinny
then why the hell is it so bad?

Have two meals in a day Nicole, it won't kill you I promise!!!!

Nicole Kidman had SEX with Tom Cruise

2006-08-07T11:36:00.000-07:00

Or did she? We like to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that no, no she did not. Evidence? They adopted two children, but both appear to be fertile. Now there could be other reasons for this besides them just not sleeping together, such as Nicole being too thin to be able to sustain another life in her dried up womb. But that's mean and Nicole has never done anything to us. We would rather assume Nicole married Tom to help her career and never touched him in any way, shape or form except for when they were in the awful movie with the ritual group sex that you masturbate too at night when its on Showtime. Don't think that we aren't watching you, you freaky ass pervert. (no worries, we luv u anyway!)

Anyway, we hope Nic's current and real, not fake, scientology) marriage to that guy who sings those songs but WASN'T the one that married Renee Zellweger because this one is totally a different guy even tho you have never seen them photographed together and they look the same...um wat was i saying? oh yeah. rite. Hope Nic's real marriage is working out, because the first one was gross.

The Incredible Shrinking Alba

2006-08-05T11:34:00.000-07:00

I know I know, Jessica Alba is beautiful, perfect, wonderful, and sexy. But there are several things that we must admit:
1) She doesn't look her best here. I don't give a SHIT what the whowasbestdressedattheoscars people sad, the Oscars were what the marked the beginning of the too-skinny phase.
2) She isn't a very good actress. Unless "acting" means looking good in a bikini, in which case she deserved oscars, emmys and tonys, back when she still had some meat and muscle on her.
3) Her hairdo makes her forehead look huge and somewhat alien-like
4) She has a serious case of lolliopitis. A big head and a tiny body. She used to be so curvilicious, but everytime she goes out in public lately she looks more and more skeletal!

So join with us readers, join our chorus that cries, "No Jessica, don't do atkins! Eat, eat and we shall cherish you as we cherished you in the days of yore!"
SAVE JESSICA! PASS GIRLFRIEND A CHEESEBURGER PLATTER!!!

Suck My Blood, Baby

2006-08-05T10:58:00.000-07:00

Today Angie and Bradders bring you a celebriticious drink for your quaffing delight.

Vampire Blood
1 gallon cranberry juice
1 gallon orange juice
1 cup raspberry sorbet
1 quart seltzer

Angie and Brad love to serve this family friendly drink to their brood, as well as the ophans they visit in various countries. First Angie tells them it is a special American drink and after they have tasted it she tells them it is pig blood and they cry. Oh that Angie and her philanthropy!
The drink is also a homage to Brad playing hot-ass-vamp-ho-pedophilic Louis in Interview with the Vampire, and to Angies first marriage, where she got married in a t-shirt with her husbands name writting all over it in her own blood.

No that's not a joke, and I dont even feel the need to make one.

Enjoy!

No News is Good News

2006-08-04T18:56:00.000-07:00

You know who hasn't been in the tabloids recently? I'll give you a clue. He's short, cute, unfortunately comes from a horiid gene pool, and still shits in in a diaper. Figured it out yet? He's one of feedyounghollywood's FAVORITE celebrity babies, Sean Preston! (yeah, the picture gave it away, huh?)

Yes, mama Brit and papa K-Fed the Douche have been in the news constantly. Their marriage is crumbling, Britney's moving back to Louisianna, the now infamous Matt Lauer interview, yadda yadda yadda. But thankfully, little Sean P has not been the focus of these recent Britney and K-Fed troubles. Sean has not been dropped on his head in a while because mama is too busy strutting in heels and holding her drink to actually keep a firm grib on his chubby baby bootie. He has not fallen out of any highchairs recently, because the "nanny dropped him." Or was it that the chair was "faulty"? Hard to keep Brit's stories straight. He has not been playing driver in Britney's lap in recent weeks, nor has he been photographed in an improperly installed carseat, with his head dangling at a painfully unatural angle. Let us continue to pray to Jesus Christ, Moses, Allah, Buddha, L. Ron Hubbard, or whoever the fuck you believe in for Sean P's continued safety. He already has genetics working against him, so let's not completely seal the kid's future by repeatedly dropping him on the head, Brit. God, if I didn't know any better I'd think she was actually trying to kill her baby. We're with you Sean P, and our fingers are crossed for your continued good fortune! (or as good as his fortune can be, considering who his parents are).

Falling Star

2006-08-04T13:06:00.000-07:00

Star Jones Reynolds, our favorite former fatass and daytime talkshow host, has her panties in a twist over widespread tabloid rumors that her marriage to Al Reynolds is gonna be over real soon. (On a random sidenote, am I the only one who notices a weird ressemblance between Star and Nicole Richie? Both lost a lot of weight really fast and now neither one has a nose that looks like it possibly could have come from a human gene pool...) Personally, this one shocked me more than the supposed Vaughnistan split. Because usually, when ugly fat talkshow hosts marry gay stockbrokers since no straight men will have them, the union lasts until the end of time. I'm really surprised about this one.

A Classic Moment in the History of Anorexia

2006-08-04T07:34:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, in a kingdom far far away called Sherman Oaks, a husband and wife united as one to sell their twin baby girls to the nearby kingdom of Hollywood, and on that faitful day, little Michelle Tanner was born. We all loved young Michelle Tanner (even tho she looked a little like a blonde monkey, but we all love monkeys so its ok) and thought it was so cute that twins played her and we all pretended to be able to tell them apart. One was taller, right? Or one had more teeth?

And then WE ruined them. Yes, this is all on our heads. The pressure of being child stars got to them and now neither bread nor wine shalt pass their lips.

Remember when all the scary internet pervs were counting down the days till they turned 18? Well, now they are older than 18 and no one wants to see their skinny asses naked. Nude Olsens truly would be a sight to make us all vomit with guilt and disgust.

Most of the twig stars we bash here at feedyounghollywood would simply have to put on weight to look fabulous. However, the Olsen twins looked like monkeys when they were babies, they still look like monkeys now and they would probably still look like monkeys if they had some meat on their bones. Monkeys who will never be able to act. But hey, maybe if they had nice bodies it would be easier to stand their presence as "celebrities".

So don't pay attention to those signs at the zoo that tell you not to feed the monkeys. FEED THE MONKEYS! SAVE THE OLSEN TWINS!

A mushy moment

2006-08-04T06:10:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everyone who has been leaving us love!
MUUUAHHH
we appreciate it!

luv always,
GossipGirl

Posh Spice

2006-08-04T04:37:00.000-07:00

Remember when Posh was the hot Spice Girl? Remember when you wanted to look just like her, because the Spice Girls were THE hottest group on the planet?

BEHOLD THE POWER OF ANOREXIA, BEHOLD AND TREMBLE IN FEAR!

Sticks are not sexy. Sticks belong on trees, in young children's mud pies and in campfire pits. They do not belong in David Beckham's bed.

Oh Posh, you have such a great life; a hot husband, beautiful children who love you, money, great hair extentions. So why not celebrate your success in life by EATING SOMETHING! It's okay Posh, I promise. As Shakespeare said "Partake of the donut of happiness and lo, you too shall have happiness" Go, go enjoy your life! We all want it!

Deconstructing Harry

2006-08-03T16:59:00.000-07:00

J.K Rowling is a woman that gets tons of respect from the feedyounghollywood team. She is smart, creative, and clawed her way up from the bottom (You go girl!). Did she sell out when she decided to make the Harry Potter books into movies? Not at all. Is she stupid for being dissapointed with the results of those movies? Fuck yes.

Ms. Rowling, the movie is never as good as the book. Especially books that contain as many puns as yours. Puns just can't be translated onto the screen (with the exception of Sex and the City where Carrie's column was based on puns, god i love her puns...her puns and her abs). Anyway, you commited to a 7 movie deal, you knew actors would grow up, you knew this set time constraints on you, so DON'T COMPLAIN NOW.

Rowling has hinted that she is going to kill two of the main characters and that one of them might be Harry. Many people are upset about this, and if I was really into the books (or if I had actually read any of them), then I would be upset too. But it's her fucking book. She can kill Harry if she wants too. She also has a good reason to kill him. She doesn't want or need assholes writing shitty copycat books about him after she ends the series. There is enough horrible fanfic out there that involves all kinds of scary Harry Potter porn (you wanna see Harry doin' it doggystyle? Neither do I) and I, for one, would vomit in hatred and rage if some of that ever got published.

I might have only read one page or one Harry Potter book and seen only one of the movies, but I stand by my opinons...unless someone can make a convincing argument otherwise. And if so, than you're a douche and I'm right anyway.

With Luv,
GossipGirl

Johnny Depp brings you HOT inebriation

2006-08-03T16:04:00.000-07:00

Babylon Spice is Johnny's favorite drink. According to our source he says because its just like him, hot paradise. ooooowwwww!

Babylon Spice

2 ounces fresh ginger, peeled and sliced
1 1/2 ounces rum
Ice cubes
1/2-ounce coconut milk
4 ounces mango juice
1-ounce grated coconut
1 maraschino cherry, for garnish
1 slice orange, for garnish

Because of the Rum Johnny often drinks this while filming Pirates, it helps him get into character. He is the only man alive that can make black eyeliner so ridiculously sexy. Oooooohhhh, Captain Jack you can pillage and plunder me annnnnnnny time you like =)

Ms. Jackson cuz we're nasty

2006-08-03T15:41:00.000-07:00

Janet Jackson has been banned from the Parisian restaurant, Arpege for making a reservation and not showing up. Ms. Jackson obviously made the reservation, then, as she got to the restaurant door, remembered she was anorexic and was just way too embarrassed to cancel the reservation.

As you all know, just 2 minutes ago, Ms. Jackson as a big as a house. She was fat and happy and in love and (thankfully) out of the public eye. Now she has lost the weight to promote her new album and the crazy has once again been unleashed.

Janet, we don't care how much you fuck your man, we don't care that you don't know whether you are engaged or not, but lord knows we don't need another anorexic bitch saying she lost the weight naturally and inspiring young girls to become crazy looking hungry twigs. So go Janet, go be fat and happy and fuck your man until his dick falls off, but know that we NEVER EVER want to hear from you or your crazy ass family again. (ESPECIALLY MICHAEL, FOR THE GOOD OF ALL HUMANITY AND EVERY OTHER LIVING BEING ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH LOCK HIM IN A CLOSET THROW AWAY THE KEY AND NEVER LET HIM OUT EVER EVER AGAIN)

thanks ms. jackson!
GossipGirl

lohan and harry

2006-08-03T14:35:00.000-07:00

So Lindsay has only been seen around town with one Douche for the last three weeks and everyone on the internet is buzzing about how this is love and Lindsay is getting ready to settle down and blah blah blah bullshit. I. Call. Bull.Shit. This ends here and now. Just because this is the only guy Lindsay has been photographed with, doesn't mean he's the only one who is slipping her the crazy weasel. Celebrities control when they are seen and who they are seen with. Lindsay could have been with 10 guys at once and Harry might have been sitting outside the hotel room, waiting for her to be done so they could go get her another meaningless tattoo and get "caught" doing it.

So basically, congrats to Lindsay for being able to salvage her rep and still have coked up gangbangs every night...and every morning...and sometimes after lunch. LL, you ARE my hero. Keep up the good work

Inebriation by Liz Taylor

2006-08-03T14:11:00.000-07:00

The Widow’s Kiss or You Gonna Die Bitch!

1 1/2 ounces calvados
3/4 ounce yellow Chartreuse (green works, too, but it’s a little more intense)
3/4 ounce Benedictine
2 dashes Angostura bitters

"Drink it, keep drinking it till you marry me. Then, after we have mated, I will bite your head off and use your insurance money to buy more diamonds." -Liz

Golly Gosh, Who Saw THIS Coming?

2006-08-03T12:40:00.000-07:00

Before I start, I advise you, dear readers, to sit down. Maybe even lie down, because you can still fall down sitting (I've done it before, although there are usualy martinis involved) as well. Okay. Hold on to something stable, too. Alright, here we go.......It appears that the romance between Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn is, well, over.

I know this comes as a shock, because after having your heart broken in a VERY public way with the dissolution of a marriage due to your hot famous husband finding a girl sexier than you (and willing to have his babies) to fuck and globetrot with, the immediate rebound relationship with the closest thing with a penis attached usually lasts forever! Especially when the new guy is a big oafy overweight and overgrown frat boy whose definition of a serious relationship is making it to a third date. I really can't believe that Jen and Vince aren't making it to the altar. I'm at a loss for words with this one.

Hot Children of the City?

2006-08-03T09:20:00.000-07:00

Now, the east and west coasts are both renouned for their beautiful women and taste in fashion. Hot Child of the City? is a section where we show a shitty camera phone picture of someone who lacks well...taste but not beauty. Because all of God's children are beautiful. Yeah. Anywho, this section will run until someone realizes we are taking pictures of them and kills us and then thats basically the end of the blog.

That being said, I was eating lunch and a young lady (to the left) came and sat down. She was wearing a bangarang summer dress. Stylish, she was cute, had a great body. But then...I realized, to my sheer horror....that under her cute summer dress...she was wearing a SPORTS BRA. Why? Why would you ruin a perfectly cute, fashionable, strapless dress by wearing a sports bra underneath? Oh hunny, i don't know what happened to you to make you do this but pick up the pieces of your shattered life and try to move on.

he fucks me not, he fucks me, he fucks me not...

2006-08-02T19:26:00.000-07:00

Hilary Duff looked better when she was Lizzie Maguire. Remember how guilty you felt when you first found out how old she was? Yeah, me too. But now she looks crazy. She lost so much weight that she now has the face of a horse, buggy eyes, no body and ratty hair extentions that looks like they were ripped out of the Scarecrow's ass and pasted onto her head (Someone send a burger with extra cheese to the Duff houseold, STAT!). Oh, and should I add that her sister is ugly and has no talent and I'm sick of looking at her? Yeah, I'll add that. Because I am.

Now Hilary is dating Some Douche from Good Charlotte/Blink 182/Sum 41 (Honestly, can anyone actually differentiate between any of these bands? It's almost as bad as the late 90s escpade of trying to figure out the difference between N*SYNC, the Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees and O-Town. And I still can't fucking figure it out.). He's old and covered with tattoos, had problems with drugs, drinking and fucking underage girls. Elle magazine reports that Hilary told them she never had sex with Some Douche. Soon thereafter, Hilary states that she never said that to Elle and she is not going to comment on it. Which means that she is having nasty, dirty twig sex with a doped up, has been, should be in jail for statutory rape, "rehabbed" rocker asshole. And you know he makes her be on top all the time because "shit woman, I don't want to have to do all the fuckin' work. You wanna get laid you better get on top of that shit."

Congrats Hilary, you are now as unattractive as your pinocchio-nosed talentless sister.

In poor taste

2006-08-02T14:59:00.000-07:00

I present to you, the Bloody Cesaerean (recommended by Ms. Britney Spears Federline...we have sources people, credible ones...we swear on Clay Aiken's heterosexual manhood.)

1 1/2 oz vodka
4 oz Mott's Clamato Juice (and YES, you can find it at the store if you look hard enough)
1/2 tsp Worcestershire sauce

Optional: Ground black pepper (to taste), Tabasco sauce (1/4 tsp recommended at first to try, then increase if desired)

In highball filled with ice, add vodka and Clamato juice. Add Worcestershire sauce, pepper, and Tabasco; stir.

» A C C E S S O R I E S
Lime rim with celery salt and garnished with a celery stalk and a dead beat husband who doesn't want you to push a baby "out yo pussy yo, that shit would stretch that shit and you ain't nothin if u aint tight". Those give the drink a nice, bitter taste...you know, like the taste of tears. The tears you really mean, that are ripped out of your soul. Yeah, that taste.

7 Days Left to Live

2006-08-02T13:23:00.000-07:00

Jesus Hong. This picture is about a week old. Which is exactly how much time Lois Lane has left to live if she doesn't fucking EAT SOMETHING. Anything. Christ, at least have a piece of iceberg lettuce, my God!

Tommy "Herpes" Lee

2006-08-02T10:02:00.000-07:00

We here at feedyounghollywood love Tommy "HerpHerp" Lee. We loved when he made the sex tape with Whorela, I realized I was a huge dyke as I watched "girls girls girls", and we lovingly watched as our young man grew up and went to college and fucked his tutor until her coochie fell out on the Emmy nominated reality series "Tommy Lee Goes to College." (OK, so it wasn't Emmy nominated, but that's only because having Tommy's show included just was not fair to the other nominees) Yup, that coochie fell right onto the floor and skittered under the bed. She then picked it up, brushed it off, put it back and they fucked some more. We have sources that can verify this, reliable ones. Really.

However, maybe we draw the line at this:

"We had two naked females awaiting his arrival in the hotel - one covered in shots of Jack Daniel's and the other in his favorite Magnolia Bakery cupcakes," the promoter recalls. (From the NY Post)

I can't decide whether to say "congrats HerpHerp, you ARE the man" or "this has maybe gotten out of hand, HerpHerp". You decide.

Inebriation by Paris Hilton

2006-08-02T09:35:00.000-07:00

I present to you Paris Hilton's drink of choice:

The Rusty Nail ("I like to bang that shit hard" -Paris)

Fill an old-fashioned glass with ice cubes (it's hot that it's cold). Pour in 3/4oz Scotch. Gently add the 1/4oz Drambuie...because Paris likes it gentle and rusty...